I pass a very old and very decrepit barn on the way home from work each day. The barn should have been torn down long ago, but apparently the barn owner was offered funding to keep the barn standing. The only requirement was that he allow YellaWood to paint Shoulda Used YellaWood on what was left standing of the barn. So now the tilting, half-rotten building sports those bright letters across the roof, and we’re all delighted. That company understands completely the allure of signs in the South. We love cutesy sayings on our buildings, on our cars, in our yards, and on our church signs. And we love to name things. Even now, you can still find a few See Rock City signs on barns and buildings between wherever you are and Chattanooga. That’s a complete subculture in itself that would take too long to explore, but it’s there.
Car decals are a whole ‘nother thing. Moms in minivans proudly number their growing collection of kids and pets in little addable stick-people decals, usually in the lower left corner of the rear window. Single guys and young dads in pickup trucks are partial to Browning or Ruger emblems. They might let you know that their truck is protected by Smith and Wesson, or that this ain’t their first rodeo. If the truck belongs to a girl or if the guy has a wife or girlfriend in tow, the Ruger decal might be pink, or maybe you’re told that country girls don’t retreat, they just reload.
As you get older and maybe a bit softer or more gracious, you might change the decal to a simple Blessed in cursive black-and-white script. That’s especially appropriate on a newer model car driven by a middle-aged woman with not a whole lot of responsibility. If you’re lucky enough to be paying tuition to a university, you could tell everybody that your child and your money goes to “insert school here.” The underlying message there is that your child is very smart and you’re established enough to afford higher education. If you make it to the grandparent phase, you’re probably going to want the Grandkids Make Life Grand model.
And if you have any allegiance to either of the two Alabama flagships, you’re definitely going to want to tell the world. For the Bama fan, that means you absolutely have to include a big red A somewhere on your car/yard/Christmas décor, preferably with a filling of black-and-white houndstooth—or for the yard model, with lights around the edges. As a bonus, that lighted yard model looks great at Christmas next to the plastic manger scene. As an Auburn fan, you’ll want to head right over and buy one of those tiger tails that you can attach to your trunk so your car looks like it’s sprouted a tail and the interstate knows you’re headed to the Auburn game. On game days, there’s just no choice; you have to clip a school flag to your car window so it flutters all the way to your destination while nobody questions your loyalty along the way.
Yard flags for each of the largest universities are in abundance everywhere. A friend who moved to Alabama from Chicago was incredulous at the number of Alabama graduates; that is, until she realized that there is not necessarily any correlation between flag ownership and a university degree, or even a suggestion that the flag owner darkened the doorway of said school. That reminds me of a joke that I’ll always remember about the difference between an Alabama fan and an Auburn fan, each wearing a university sweatshirt. The Alabama fan had just been to Wal-Mart whereas the Auburn fan had most likely paid at least a bit of Auburn tuition.
Even, or maybe especially, churches are not immune to the need for signage. A sign not only identifies the church, but it needs to grab attention with a catchy phrase. CH__CH, What’s Missing? U R. is a classic, if a bit overused, play on words. Or how cute is Seven Days Without Prayer Makes One Weak? Proper spelling is apparently not a requirement, as evidenced by the sign in front of the Calvary Assembly, Get Behind Me, Satin. But I think the prize goes to Round Top Community Church for Do You Know What Hell Is? Come Hear Our Preacher.
I love the creativity behind hair salon names. My first haircut was at Betty’s Beauty Shop; apparently Betty wasn’t her most creative in the naming department. I think she was a lot better at doing hair. In the decades since then, hair stylists have really upped the game. My personal favorite is Curl Up and Dye, followed at close second by Make Me Over Jesus Salon and Day Spa. There’s just a whole lot you can do with salon names, as the list is long. Hairport, Shear Delight, Prime Kutz, and Hairs to You could win awards in any hair salon naming competition. Any establishment that uses a K where a C should go and a Z instead of an S is going to be a hit. And if you add Shoppe to the end, it’s over the top. I think Prime Kutz Beauty Shoppe would just put all others to shame.
Wording and naming things is really important because it identifies who we are. We can be funny or serious. You can pick up the St’ Patrick’s Day shirt at Target proclaiming Irish You Were Beer or you can clarify your political views with the We Can’t All Be Liberals; Some of Us Have to Work bumper sticker. The cornier the better and the more likely it is to draw a smile, the more likely it is that we’ll buy whatever it is.
And sometimes you just need to make a statement without making a statement. For my Mississippi State alum daughter, I’m getting the Mississippi Y’all bumper sticker. It’s perfect and she’ll love it. And it says absolutely nothing.
